IT'S TIME

It's time. We have absorbed those inspirational prompts that we needed. The places in our foundation of self-confidence that needed attention. Those encouragements that spoke to us, helped to fill in some cracks that formed throughout the years. I Can Do This was the base on which to build our future but reality is that we are not an island. We all need help when we are ready to go out and start over.

I went out in the world last year and was surprised to find that my experiences did not count without some official credentials.

Confidence helped but is not enough.

I am an expert in many areas. I was an event planner, a caterer, a hostess, teacher, nurse, housekeeper, launderer, chauffeur, coach, therapist, artist. I created a beautiful home, nurtured and raised healthy, intelligent children that went out into the world to be successful and happy. I was a mother, nurturer, wife and friend.

Love is what feeds the engine to move you through life. Overlooking pains and disappointments is what all women do to maintain the life they believe is meant to be. We are stronger than we know and forever faithful to those we love.

All of this is not enough sometimes. Our loyalty is not always repaid in kind. So, out we go, after having tried to ignore angry outbursts and name calling from people that should adore you. It is not enough to want something. It is not enough to not want to disappoint your children. You know and I know that we are only our best when we are allowed to be.

I used to be one of those women who would say, "Why don't those women who are abused, just leave?" They cannot go until they feel strong enough to stand on their own. The conundrum is that the longer they wait the weaker they become. I heard a phrase, "death from a thousand cuts." That explains a lot of women's lives. It takes great strength to live in an abusive situation and survive, detached from it emotionally, while trying to find an exit.

Well, out in the world of employment, it is not enough to have never missed a day. Never a day off when sick, pregnant or nursing. Never a day off for bad weather or good weather. I did not take the day off when my mother died. Your family is what makes you move when you don't want to. Children still need food and care.

Why then doesn't the workplace recognize this about women/mothers?

We are selfless.

So we have to get up and do something else now. Pretend to have a vocabulary that we do not practice in order to make a go of it. We have more to learn. It is a necessity.

I went out in the world. I had to come back. How disappointing to know that I could not make it.

So here I am back in the throes of the one situation it took all of my courage to leave.

I must stay positive through the good days and bad days. I must keep improving myself in order to make the escape stick next time.

I need help.

We all need help sometimes. Especially when the results are so important. That is why we need girlfriends.

I need girlfriends.

It is not uncommon to alienate yourself from many friends and family when you are in a bad relationship. There is embarrassment and shame involved. Even your best friends frequently are uninformed about the level of desperation you exist in. Extended family doesn't know what is happening. They probably see you less and less as time goes on. It is difficult to pretend.

Girlfriends know you better than anyone else. You need a sounding board that is free. You need to know someone cares. You need to know that someone is there to catch you if the need arises.

I want girlfriends and I want to be a girlfriend.

What is life if not trying to help one another make it. We need to be there to help one another.

Pull each other up and out. Some of us don't need out, but we do need help or and ear or just a sounding board, some sage advice form a third party.

Many of us need to leave, want to leave, but then wonder why they should. Too much time has gone by. They are too old now. No longer viable in the eyes of most observers. Some of us ask ourselves, "What can you expect at this point in our life? You have stayed this long, why not just put up with it." I do not know the answers to these questions.

I do know that we are all worth the effort to make our day something to look forward to. Everyday. I know that our home should be the place we enjoy being, not dreading.

There are so many issues to be addressed in this situation. They cannot all be addressed here and now. but, together we can figure it out.

Keep a good thought. Keep going one step and one day at a time. Surely it will work if we join our forces.

What are you thinking? What are your struggles and concerns that girlfriends can help you with? What are your experiences that you can share that might help others who need help?

Keep in touch. Make friends. I am cheering you on from here.

INCREDIBLE

You are incredible. You are extraordinary.

Believe that you can do anything you need to do and it can happen.

Keep your focus on your future.

You will get there.

Day 30 from I Can Do This from lettertomygirlfriends.com

IMPROVE

Improve your skills whenever you can, whatever they are/

Your skills will only add to your success.

Day 29 from I Can Do This from lettertomygirlfriends.com

INFLUENTIAL

Influential

Who are the influential people who have touched you?

These are certainly different for everyone.

Who do you admire, past or present? Artists, authors, politicians, humanitarians, heroes.

I encourage you to examine the lives of these people. You can become more like them in their approach to life as you learn their secrets.


Day 28 from I Can Do This from lettertomygirlfriends.com

INFORMATION

Information is something you cannot have too much of at any time.

You cannot read too many books, newspapers, magazines or blog posts.

You cannot learn too much and everything new adds to your value for yourself.

Confidence grows with information.

Day 27 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This.

INSIGHT

Use your insight to discern what is true and good and right.

This is something only you can determine for yourself.

Your insight may be all you have to see out to the future.

Day 26 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

IDENTIFY

Identify your choices so there are no surprises.

Find the pro’s and con’s of each choice.

Knowledge equals power which equals success.

Day 25 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

IMPACT

Impact others with what you can do.

Let everyone see you in all your glory.

You are an impact that can’t be ignored.

Day 24 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INTERESTING

Make your tasks interesting.

Don’t let boredom take up residence in your daily challenges.

What can you do to spice it up?

Day 23  from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INNOVATIVE

Try new approaches to old standards.

If something seems better to you, do that.

This is your dream, not theirs.

Give yourself power over your thoughts.

Day 22 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INTUITION

Use your intuition.

Trust your gut.

You most likely know what you can do.

Day 21 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INTEGRITY

Keep your integrity.

Staying honest to yourself and following your beliefs creates strength.

Day 20 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INVOLVED

Become involved with the people around you.

The more people in your circle of acquaintances, the more you learn and the more the world opens up to you.

Day 19 from letterstomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INCHES

Inches moved forward are gratifying because they are movement in the right direction.

It is hard work and sometimes slow but you will feel accomplished when you get there.

Day 18 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

IMMEASURABLE

Immeasurable success follows measured effort as its reward.

The vastness of it’s value cannot be seen, only imagined.

Day 17  from letterstomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INTANGIBLE

The intangible can be as effective as the tangible.

The thought is formed before anything exists.

Thinking it makes it happen.

Day 16 from letterstomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INTIMATE

Be intimate with your hopes and dreams.

Let them consume your senses.

Taste them. See them. Smell them.

Bring them to life.

Day 15  from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INVENT

Invent those things that do not exist in your life.

Inventors never give up. They apply every lesson as they go, building upon the knowledge from previous steps.

Take what you know and add to it until you build that one great invention, your life.

Day 14 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

IDEAS

Ideas are like seeds to your plan. You have to disperse them in order for them to grow.

Don’t discount anything until you have proven it’s value.s

Take time to evaluate.

Day 13 from letterstomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INVIGORATING

When you take charge of your thoughts, and in turn your life, invigorating feelings seep into everything you do.

There is a hopefulness to your future.

You spirit begins to soar.

Day 12 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INDEPENDENCE

Independence is not an option. That is what this is all about. Having the spirit of independence is not an option but a necessity.

This must be an integral part of the scaffolding you use to construct your life.

Join with others in being independent.

Day 11 from letterstomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INSPIRE

Inspire others with your positive approach and perseverance.

Everyone benefits when one of us succeeds.

Day 10 from lettertomygirfriends from I Can Do This

IMPRESSIVE

Impressive is an adjective attached to anyone who follows an ideal and achieves it.

Your  work will be obvious to all who choose to look.

Day 9 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INCLUSIVE

Be inclusive.

Bring others into your circle of knowledge.

Nothing makes a job easier than having others to cheer you on and to be cheered on as well.

There is strength in numbers, they say.

You cannot have too many friends.

Day 8 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INGENUITY

Use ingenuity in doing or changing what needs to be done.

Make a new road with new approaches.

Celebrate your uniqueness.

Day 7 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INVEST

Invest in yourself in every way.

Halfway to anything means you never get there.

Push ahead, knowing your future will benefit.

Day 6 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INSISTENT

Be insistent that you follow your ideals daily.

Give yourself permission to put yourself and your dreams first.

Don't let the mundane keep you from soaring up and out.

Day 5 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This.

IMMERSE

Immerse yourself in the process. Think about what you want when it counts – when you are applying what you have learned.

Think about what you want while you are doing the things your current situation requires you to do.

You are not limited by space and time. Remember change begins with a wish.

Day 4 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

Forgive me for the long and seemingly endless pause. Electronics have failed me but I am up and running again.

IMAGINE

Imagine what your life looks like in your dreams. Close your eyes and see those things that make you happy, calm and successful in your life. Whenever you are fearful to try new things, look at that life you envision. Keep that picture with you everyday and draw on it as inspiration.

Day 3 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This

INTENTION

Everything you do in life should have a defined purpose that leads you in your desired direction.

What is your intention?

In art, the end result is arrived at by intention.

Think of your life as your art. You are creating your life, day by day, action by action, thought by thought. Enjoy your efforts. Admire the progress as you go. Watch your artful life become your masterpiece.

Day 2 from lettertomygirlfriends from I Can Do This. Intention.

IGNITE

It’s time. Time to take action. Time to exit limbo.

Ambivalence is a trap that deprives you of joy and freedom, intimacy and hope.

Ignite in yourself a passion for the things you want and love. Nothing can quell passion unless you allow it.

Day one of lettertomygirlfriends. The letter I, prompting 31 days of encouragement.

You Are Worth the Effort

How  does one start a climb? Spend your days renewing your vision. Apply everything you do towards your growth.

Do you care for children? Think how that relates to Human Resources or conflict resolution, child psychology, menu planning, personal shopper, accounts payable/receivable. Do you take care of a home? Dinner? How about hospitality, cost effectiveness comparisons, scheduling. I am not suggesting that you go out and apply for these positions. I am just pointing out that you contribute so much to everyday life. If you think about all you contribute you should be amazed and fortified in spirit. You need to see yourself as someone who has a lot to offer. Don’t let the years that you worked in your home make you think less of yourself.

Today there is an underlying contest raging between those who stay home and those who do not.. Guess what people…..It is not a contest! A title does not make you more or less of a person and neither does your pay. I am pretty sure that you know, intuitively, that you are a capable person with lots to offer.

Do what you can to improve your mind at every opportunity, knowing that you are going to need new skills when you enter into your new world.

Watch the news. All the news. Not the left or the right, but both. Keep current. Read. You cannot read too many books. Make yourself informed and interested and interesting and viable to those you meet. Create in yourself, a person who would be interesting to you. Above all else, be good to yourself. Love yourself. Pat yourself on the back every morning for making the effort to change your life. You are worth the effort. No one deserves to live in fear or despondency.

Others will respond positively if you are positive. And if they don’t, you won’t mind. You are your own person at the end of each day. Live accordingly. Do everything you can to your best ability, even when you don’t want to. When you do this you learn to respect yourself. That translates into confidence to all you meet. The I CAN DOattitude is contagious and sought after. It makes you desirable.

No regrets either. You are where you are because you needed to be there. The journey was what it was and is continuing. All of life is a journey. Share your knowledge with everyone you meet. Grow a world of successful, confident women. The reason I am doing this is because I believe that giving success to others by encouragement is in itself success. The end result is success for all. Pull your girlfriends, your daughters, your moms and grandma’s out of dependency with you. Think what the world would look like filled with confident women who raised their families and continued to contribute to the world.

The next post will start the 31 day collection of uplifting and inspirational affirmations. This is where your journey to independence starts. Read one a day. Focus on that one thing. You can’t help but move forward when you give yourself positive reinforcements. I hope this is helpful to all who use it. It is my intention to have as many friends succeed as possible. Please leave comments and join the community of women who want to love and support one another. Be sure to follow this blog for the e-mail updates.

A Wistful Leap?

What does your life look like when it is all that you want it to be? Can you imagine it? What are the changes you would make? Be specific. It is easy to be generically unhappy about life. This exercise is calling for you to think about all the nooks and crannies of your day and how they can be different.

You get to choose your life in your dreams. Go big, as they say

When you originally  gave your power to choose your life, that in itself was a choice. Most likely it was for a nobler purpose. To stay home with your children is a good example. This causes you to give over your power to your spouse/partner in order to devote yourself to the care of your children. This, of course, is an agreed upon relinquishment. Maybe illness of a family member forced you to be the care-taker. I am sure there are as many scenarios as there are people. But the question is, “Are YOU ready to take back your autonomy?”

Considering  how long you were dependent, you may be at a loss as to where to start.

In my personal story, I chose to leave a career to become a full-time stay-at-home mom. Seventeen years later, when my nest was in upheaval, I decided to stick my toe into the pool of employment once again. I did not go straight to my deserted profession however. Not even close. I was too insecure for that having lost the vocabulary to even attempt to reintegrate into the business world that I once felt so secure in.

I went for menial and part-time labor. It was that small incremental step I referred to earlier. It was the best attempt I could allow myself.

I did it. I survived. I was out the door and building confidence once again, in a workplace environment.

On now to the next level.

Take the small steps. If it helps you out the door, do it. I have heard that you should never accept a position that is beneath you. I am not sure exactly what these people are referring to. Remember, no one knows your truth better than you. You need to exist where you are ready to exist. This is not a place anyone else is able to discern.. That said, I do think that it is important to use these positions purposefully in order to make an upward climb. Build your confidence at whatever pace you need, but do not forget to continue.

There is an excerpt from The Shoemakers Wife, by Adriana Trigianni……”she has begun the slow, careful climb of re-invention.”

This is exactly the approach we need to take. Be slow, deliberate and  careful. Make informed decisions along with wistful leaps, if need be, to start your climb out. Let your imagination be your guide.

Guilt Free Re-Invention

I learned at an early age that I had to look out for myself emotionally. The path my life took was not completely conventional but certainly not horrific either. Everything turned out fairly well in the end. Early in my life I was drawn to introspection in order to understand my situation.

As an infant, I was left by my biological mother. I cannot help but wonder if most of my life was affected by this imprint of abandonment and, consequently,  insecurities that were then destined to haunt me because of it. I do believe that it is inherent in us to react to our environment, even at such a young age. Of course these things need to be weighed according to each circumstance. We all make the decisions we do based on the the moment we live them. Every decision is individual to that person and cannot be judged by another, rightly.

I made many decisions in my life, that could be, and have been, criticized. You could believe the critics or chose to see yourself in your own truth.A truth that no one else could ever know. I chose to do what is right for me. There isn’t another person who knows what that looks like.

I GET TO CHANGE DIRECTION WHEN IT IS BEST FOR ME.

Now I can hear the rumblings of self-justification from the critics as I sit here, but I have, with much thought, come to these truths honestly and without pause.

Considering a change is a good start.

It means you no longer accept staying the same. Only you know what that looks like. You re-assess your path singularly and with the most expert input.

This will not be a piece of cake. It is hard work to stay focused on the course in the face of so many possible outcomes. It is overwhelming to say the least. The millions of bits of information available would seem to make the task ahead easier. Instead, you have the added complication of eliminating options while proving and qualifying options. The proverbial TOO MUCH TO PICK FROM. It can be exhilarating. Accept it as a challenge, not an obstacle.

Happiness is at the finish line.

I knew a graduate student, studying here in the U.S., from a country in Africa. The first time he went to the grocery store to purchase breakfast cereal, he became paralyzed with option overload. It’s not too hard to imagine if you have had to buy breakfast cereal lately. Well, in a life course decision, having too much to choose from is exponentially paralyzing. These choices are important, after all, aren’t they?

Don’t give up. Break it into small pieces if that is all you can handle on a particular day. Maybe tomorrow you can accomplish more. Maybe not. The goal is just to do something, everyday. This is how you reach your goal. One foot in front of the other.

Consider this-you still have the same 24 hours in your day, only now those hours are wide open. Now you can re-invest in yourself. Guilt free. Re-invent yourself. It’s time to take the power back that you relinquished all those years ago.

Take it back because your children no longer need it. Take it back because you need it for yourself.Take it back because you want it.

How to Choose

The decision to stay home, leave your profession,probably led you to give over your trove of experience, authority and power to construct your life for the good of children, home and marriage. You enter the self-made position  as a bottomless well, full of energy and devotion. There is nothing you cannot or will not do to make this endeavor successful. At least that is how you see it.

The career choice, homemaker/stay-at-home-mom, lasts for, on the average, 25 years. That is about the length of time it takes to launch most, if not all, of the children from the nest. This is the point where we get lost.

Life has continued without pause while we were preoccupied with all things home. Most things have changed. A lot! Everything is different now. Some of us were fortunate, some by choice or just plain luck, to keep a small portion of ourselves in the world outside. All I wanted to do was stay home with my children. And I did. I never looked back. Happy at my decision, I would venture to guess that those of us who had the luxury, gladly dove into our homes and out of the world. Wrong or right is as individual a reflection as we are from one another. But that was then.

This is now.

Our children, the objects of our devotion, no longer need our huge investment of time.

It is time to re-assess what we are to do with our days. Redefine what we do next and who is along for the ride. This gets a little shaky for many. I know a lot of couples who split at this time. I believe it is for this exact reason. There is no longer a defining purpose for the couple. Many no longer even know each other, having lost personal connection during the child rearing years. There is also, I believe, a distinct physiology that occurs when men and women are no longer the age to procreate. It could be that the person we were attracted to or who was attracted to us, in order to create, has been erased due to chemistry.Some people are able to span that missing link. Others not so much. Certainly many are called by doctrine to overcome these obstacles, thinking this is what separates us from the animal kingdom.

There is always the life together, raising the kids, extended families and all the memories that make you feel warm and fuzzy. For some, the differences are too great. That said,could it be that the model of the mom and dad team is no longer needed?

If I could apply the earlier analogy, it is time to choose again. Choose a new plan for your life. If you and your hubby are sympatico, on many levels, multiple things in common- not related to the children, good communication skills and a comparable sense of  humor, then you are the winners of an elite group of people who make it to the end. You can probably look forward to a life together till the day one of you dies. These couples are rare and that is proven by the fact that they are celebrated on a global scale when we hear of them.

Some do not have enough in common to stay together in a room for one night let alone till death do they part. Is it wrong to move on to the next phase of life? To expect more than a paltry existence for the rest of your days? What if you are only 50? 55? 60? How long do you think you will live? How about your spouse? Can you do this for however long that looks like?

To stay in a relationship that cannot or will not change, in which you do not thrive, leads to resentment. I do not claim to understand how some people are content and some are not. Many couples suffer at this time.

There is a plethora of reasons why we insist on staying in a model that no longer works or is needed. I am sure fear is somewhere near the top of that list. Habit for habits sake is there too. Well in spite of the fact that you like or dislike the arrangement of marriage, at this point, when your kids are gone from the nest, you are free to explore other possibilities.